Masculinity is fantastic, it is the ultimate opiate of the masses, well the male masses anyway. It is an excuse to get away with everything you enjoy which is normally considered disgusting or anti-social. It provides us with a new way of glorifying ourselves once we have lost our ability or desire to attract young women. This can happen for one of two reasons, firstly we grow up and find relationships with wonderful women who complete our souls -like I have and secondly we develop beer bellies- like I have.
It is important to celebrate masculinity, not in a counter acting of feminism sort of way, but in a kind of keep yourself content and find life’s simple pleasures way. For this reason I have compiled a guide to being masculine. This is not a guide to being a man, for I’m sure women can enjoy their masculine side too and I actively encourage them to try. So here goes, follow these six rules and you will find simple pleasures in the most mundane aspects of life, coz that’s wot men do, that is.
1) Admire your work
It doesn’t matter what the work is. It could be building a wall, chopping wood, putting up a tent, or even girly stuff like cooking dinner or applying make up, but it is instantly transformed into a burly, manly, grunty spectacle if you stand over it, preferably with mates, drinking a beer and nodding triumphantly making occasional inaudible sounds. This works even, and sometimes more, if you’ve done a total half arsed job and are still prouder than Noel Edmonds mum when Deal or no Deal hit it big.
2) Barbecuing in the Rain
Have you ever seen Gordon Ramsay do this? Standing in the garden in the pissing rain trying to keep the fire going so you can enjoy two burnt sausages and a lamb chop while trying not to kill yourself by inhaling the smoke that’s trapped under your manly Golf Umbrella? No? Of course you haven’t. Coz he’s a poof. Real men don’t give a toss if they get wet as long as they provide sustenance, albeit in charred form, to their family and friends in the true hunter gatherer tradition. Bonus points for managing to turn the chops while holding a beer in one hand and an umbrella in the other.
3) Announcing Your bowel movements
This practice, perfected by Ricky Tomlinson’s portrayal of Jim Royle, is not only manly, but immense fun. It ranges from the subtle act of tucking a newspaper under your arm, moves on the comedy analogies of “Having a chat with an Arab- Mustafa crap”, “Dropping the kids off at the pool” and “having an Ertha Kitt”, and finishing with the afterthought method of “oooh, I’d leave it a while lads/love/nan (delete as appropriate)”
Being proud of the huge and superior dumps your body can produce is what separates men from boys. Men like to create things, to make things happen, and defecating is one that a man makes all by himself.
Variations of this include talking about needing to use the facilities: Touching Cloth, Turtles head poking out or Baking some recycled meat loaf are all acceptable, but off the cuff imagination wins here.
And remember, farting is like foreplay, so don’t neglect it!
4) Dancing Badly
This is one of those things that don’t appear manly until you analyse them heavily. Dancing is not manly. Fact. Dancing has been referred to a vertical prelude to a horizontal act, and that’s not very masculine, foreplay is totally gay. But dancing is a skill, and those serious about their skills are insistent that they do it well. Doing something badly is the polar opposite of the point. Dancing badly is anti-dancing. Its like making a satanic sacrifice in a church, a child minder who has a penchant for losing children or a Samaritans counsellor telling people that life is shit and they should end it all.
Not only is the act masculine, but it is a slap in the face for all that is not masculine. Furthermore it is comical and real men rely on charm and humour rather than face cream and €75 Haircuts. It is also a far more manly act than not dancing, because no one likes a stick in the mud who refuses to have fun. Real men grab the bull by the horns and have a go at anything with a complete disregard for actually being able to do it. That level of confidence is manly. It helps that you put on a pseudo-sex face that implies that you are mates with Hugh Hefner but you call him “virgin face” as a friendly nickname. See the beauty of this comes from making yourself look serious, which adds to the effect. Be the life and soul of the party.
Men are proud, so get up and dance, but for god’s sake, don’t dream of doing it well, you’ll never score that way.
5) Not reading the instructions
This applies to everything from flat pack furniture to getting directions, which includes sat nav, in fact ignoring sat nav is paramount to cementing your position in the annals of masculinity. The only thing sat nav should ever be used for is setting false coordinates and making the voice on it say hilarious things like “Go up cock lane (Broxbourne, Herts.)” and “go down Bum alley (these’s bound to be one somewhere)” and then driving to your mates house to show them.
When comes to cooking you may never follow instruction, an why would you need to, because all you have to do with anything edible is put it on the barbecue, wait until a reasonable shade of black and then savagely consume with disregard for health and safety washed down with a beer or three.
When it comes to furniture you must only use the instructions for stopping beer spillages. The furniture itself must be hammered and mashed together in something that resembles the picture on the box. Modifications can be made, coz what do Ikea know anyway. But the most importantly, don’t do things perfectly. Ever. Here’s the secret, but don’t tell your missus. If you do things well, she will make you do it more often, and when it comes to furniture you’ll never stop. Not only is it time consuming, but its also expensive. Which means less time and money for the vital things in life: Beer and Playstation.
6) Knowing stuff, even if you don’t
Three words synonymous with MDD (masculine deficiency disease) are “I don’t know”. Men never don’t know and always have to take a confident stab at the answer, even if its ridiculous. I’m so confident in my non-knowledge that I’ve even made up a disease to suit my ranting. In fact ask me anything right now. In you head. I bet I’ll know it. Go on. Got it? Ok right. That is a juxtaposition of two previously independent elements bridging new gaps and breaking previous constraints the original subject had. See, I told you I knew.
Ron Burgundy highlighted this level of masculinity when informed the girl from married with children that san diego meant “whales vagina”. Which, if any body asks me, it does.
Someone once asked me what the thermal bridging factor of a cavity wall was. So I told them. Confidently. I have no idea what it actually is, but the strength of my conviction was enough for that chap. He’ll probably forget pretty soon, but the next time he’s asked he will confidently make up and answer. He might say “cavity wall? Easy, that’s 2.3”, he might say “Cavity wall? Easy, that’s the Franco-Prussian war” either way he’ll be hugely satisfied with his ability to completely make shit up and appear knowledgeable.
False knowledge can even be used to reinforce extra masculinity. I often pretend to know about stuff like hunting, guns, chopping down trees, reversing trucks around a corner and deep sea fishing. None of which I’ve ever done. But if you ask me, I’m happy to help.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Advertising....am I a slave?
It is widely known that advertising is a watered down version of a company executive on his/her knees begging you to buy their crap. Ads, especially on television, are literally a tool to invade your home and shove their product down your throat. Which would be good if they were effective, but I honestly can’t see why the nonsense that ads come out with encourages people to give their money away by the bucket load. Take Kingsmill for example. Their tagline is “love bread, love kings mill”. Really? Does anyone actually love bread? Unless its some kind of posh gourmet bread, I really don’t see it. Generic crap in a plastic bag is not something anyone could love. It’s a strong emotion, and brand loyalty is taken to the extreme. And anyway, if someone could actually “love” a cheap sundry product then they must lead a depressing life, which isn’t really the consumer you should be aiming for, unless your advertising prozac of course, but prozac has a loyal consumer base anyway, so it doesn’t need to sponsor big brother, or run a Bluetooth text campaign.
Sports companies are some of the worst, they bend the realms of possibility with the image conscious campaigns that baffle innocent shoppers into buying the product in the hope that all the confusion will end. Adidas’ “impossible is nothing campaign” is a good example. Many a nights I’ve sat and watched the ads and thought “impossible is nothing…..except correct grammar.” Nike are no better, with the ambiguous just do it campaign. This leads them open to a lot of poetic licence to be taken with their instructions. For me “just do it” seems to be an instruction to steal their product, but
I can see how many could justifiably stand up in court and claim the corporate hegemony of Nike and their intrusive JDI campaign forced them do “it”, whatever “it” means to the individual. This gives a lot of leeway. It could be any of the following: Smoke Crack, Sell crack, Eat Burgers, Run over grannies, cut your initials into your patients when performing surgery on them, download bestiality porn, park on a double yellow line and even avoid buying a TV licence. All of these are the fault of Nike. All of them and more.
I think of myself of a reasonably rational human being and I don’t think I’m particularly influenced by branding, but maybe its hard to ignore. I once, when living in the UK, watched the Army recruitment ad with a laptop on my knees and without thinking typed armyjobs.co.uk into the address bar. It was weird. I momentarily became a complete tool of the advertisers. And for something I would never in a million years buy into. Seriously. Apart from the fact that I’m opposed to militarism, I would never, even if I thought the army were a great idea, actually do a job that involved people trying to kill you. And this was in the time of the bloody Iraq war. Bloody hell.
Try to notice the effect ads have on you the next time the tv show ends and the remote isn’t close to hand. Its scary. I have to stop writing now, because I suddenly have the urge to go and buy some Cilit Bang. But don’t worry. I’m not going to be a whore to consumerism. I’m going to poison myself with it. Haha Barry Scott, you’ve just lost a customer!
Sports companies are some of the worst, they bend the realms of possibility with the image conscious campaigns that baffle innocent shoppers into buying the product in the hope that all the confusion will end. Adidas’ “impossible is nothing campaign” is a good example. Many a nights I’ve sat and watched the ads and thought “impossible is nothing…..except correct grammar.” Nike are no better, with the ambiguous just do it campaign. This leads them open to a lot of poetic licence to be taken with their instructions. For me “just do it” seems to be an instruction to steal their product, but
I can see how many could justifiably stand up in court and claim the corporate hegemony of Nike and their intrusive JDI campaign forced them do “it”, whatever “it” means to the individual. This gives a lot of leeway. It could be any of the following: Smoke Crack, Sell crack, Eat Burgers, Run over grannies, cut your initials into your patients when performing surgery on them, download bestiality porn, park on a double yellow line and even avoid buying a TV licence. All of these are the fault of Nike. All of them and more.
I think of myself of a reasonably rational human being and I don’t think I’m particularly influenced by branding, but maybe its hard to ignore. I once, when living in the UK, watched the Army recruitment ad with a laptop on my knees and without thinking typed armyjobs.co.uk into the address bar. It was weird. I momentarily became a complete tool of the advertisers. And for something I would never in a million years buy into. Seriously. Apart from the fact that I’m opposed to militarism, I would never, even if I thought the army were a great idea, actually do a job that involved people trying to kill you. And this was in the time of the bloody Iraq war. Bloody hell.
Try to notice the effect ads have on you the next time the tv show ends and the remote isn’t close to hand. Its scary. I have to stop writing now, because I suddenly have the urge to go and buy some Cilit Bang. But don’t worry. I’m not going to be a whore to consumerism. I’m going to poison myself with it. Haha Barry Scott, you’ve just lost a customer!
Beards are awesome!
Beards are awesome. Seriously. I’ve got one and I’ve never had so much fun in my life. It started when I was twenty, when I was travelling with work and went through a bit of a cash flow (maybe homeless would be a more appropriate term) problem, so I lived off a bare minimum and luxuries like razors were deemed surplus to requirements. It began with stubble of necessity, and developed into a beard of wonder. It was so cool. I smoked roll-ups at the time and I got the stage where my beard was off such a stage where I could hide five fags in it. Needless to say nobody ever accepted my offer of a cigarette in that period. I was saving mega bucks because of my beard!
Nowadays I still have the beard, only more trimmed since I’ve had to enter a world that doesn’t allow me to go barefoot on a day to day basis, but the effect of a bead is still awesome. Not only does it allow me to stand out from a crowd, but it also gives me a vital source of static electricity should I ever come across an appropriately placed balloon. I currently work in the (lower, shitty-wage, end of) the sustainable energy business and my face is one of the biggest renewable technologies known to man. I should get a government research and development grant.
Beards are also a fantastic tool for sex also. Apart from the fact they make people look totally badass, they also give beard rash to girls. Every man wants to leave his mark on a girl, and with a beard, the lucky lady will know she’s had the benefit of good beard-love.
Furthermore, beards make you safer when risking those journeys out in public. I learned this from my father. Beards make you look more mature, more sensible and evidently harder. No one wants to mess with the guy with the beard, coz he just don’t care, he’ll come at ya like a grizzly bear, yeah! Which is handy when you’re a peace loving chap like myself.
The ability to grow a proper beard is one of the manliest things known to man. Along with taking a very large book to the toilet to announce to the world that your going to drop a monster log, and having the ability to slouch on a chair and balance a full can of beer on your belly. Yes beards are a badge of honour, and only those who have ever had the bushy face feeling will ever truly know. So lets honour famous beard wearers! Karl Marx, Michel Foucault, Santa Claus, Bill Oddie, Jeremy Beadle, Noel Edmonds, ZZ top and even wannabes like Craig David and Justin Timberlake and all those little boys who at one stage aspire to be like me and my comrades! Reach for the furry faced dream. Show your masculinity in a way that only facial hair can! Wait… what’s that you ask? Moustaches? Sorry, the club is full.
Nowadays I still have the beard, only more trimmed since I’ve had to enter a world that doesn’t allow me to go barefoot on a day to day basis, but the effect of a bead is still awesome. Not only does it allow me to stand out from a crowd, but it also gives me a vital source of static electricity should I ever come across an appropriately placed balloon. I currently work in the (lower, shitty-wage, end of) the sustainable energy business and my face is one of the biggest renewable technologies known to man. I should get a government research and development grant.
Beards are also a fantastic tool for sex also. Apart from the fact they make people look totally badass, they also give beard rash to girls. Every man wants to leave his mark on a girl, and with a beard, the lucky lady will know she’s had the benefit of good beard-love.
Furthermore, beards make you safer when risking those journeys out in public. I learned this from my father. Beards make you look more mature, more sensible and evidently harder. No one wants to mess with the guy with the beard, coz he just don’t care, he’ll come at ya like a grizzly bear, yeah! Which is handy when you’re a peace loving chap like myself.
The ability to grow a proper beard is one of the manliest things known to man. Along with taking a very large book to the toilet to announce to the world that your going to drop a monster log, and having the ability to slouch on a chair and balance a full can of beer on your belly. Yes beards are a badge of honour, and only those who have ever had the bushy face feeling will ever truly know. So lets honour famous beard wearers! Karl Marx, Michel Foucault, Santa Claus, Bill Oddie, Jeremy Beadle, Noel Edmonds, ZZ top and even wannabes like Craig David and Justin Timberlake and all those little boys who at one stage aspire to be like me and my comrades! Reach for the furry faced dream. Show your masculinity in a way that only facial hair can! Wait… what’s that you ask? Moustaches? Sorry, the club is full.
Monday, May 25, 2009
I've done it!
I've finally managed to watch a full series of 24 the proper way, once a week on telly, as opposed to my normal tactic of dvd marathons and im very proud that i have such limited social options in a shithole like Cork that i've been able to do it comfortably, without ever having the last pint dilemna. Go me!
Season was a little disappointing. Not nearly enough killing. Last episode had some quality throat slitting, but other than that it wass pretty basic. Absolutely no decapitations. Bad form, if you aks me!
Anyway, long live Jack and his apparent new-found devotion to Allah. Who would have thought an apparent death bed conversion to Islam was on the cards!
Season was a little disappointing. Not nearly enough killing. Last episode had some quality throat slitting, but other than that it wass pretty basic. Absolutely no decapitations. Bad form, if you aks me!
Anyway, long live Jack and his apparent new-found devotion to Allah. Who would have thought an apparent death bed conversion to Islam was on the cards!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Arsenal 1 Man utd 3
how absolutely gutted am I?
I can only say one thing about this game:
We needed the crowd behind us and it didnt happen. The fact that a good ten thousand left 20 minutes before the final whistle was a disgrace. If i had been lucky enough to get a ticket then they would have had to carry me out.
Its these selfish, glory hunting arse wipes that makes me ashamed to love Arsenal. Shame on all of you. You cost us the game, not getting behind a young team.
Fair play to every arsenal fan who stayed and sang to the very end, you have my respect because you are just like me.
Come on the gunners!
Next year........
I can only say one thing about this game:
We needed the crowd behind us and it didnt happen. The fact that a good ten thousand left 20 minutes before the final whistle was a disgrace. If i had been lucky enough to get a ticket then they would have had to carry me out.
Its these selfish, glory hunting arse wipes that makes me ashamed to love Arsenal. Shame on all of you. You cost us the game, not getting behind a young team.
Fair play to every arsenal fan who stayed and sang to the very end, you have my respect because you are just like me.
Come on the gunners!
Next year........
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Flavour experimentation?
I have now gotten through 4 of Walkers' 6 "New Crazy" flavours. There's been mass hysteria on the subject, more so than on immigration and peadophilia at this stage. People are generally disgusted by what they've tasted, and when there is no registering of disgust, there is mere disppointment. While there is very few positive reports about these crisps, they still must be seen as a resounding success. Everybody is talking about these flavours, and thus everybody is talking about the walkers brand. People are also buying them, me included, and i never buy crisps. Walkers have managed to open new markets and make their brand a major consumer talking point. Cleverer than changing coco-pops to choco-crispies and then changing them back.
But are these walkers crisps actually any good? Here's my rundown. Now admittedly i havent tried The Squirrell (because i know what Cajun flavouring tastes like, and the pack guarantees its not acutally made from squirrells, thus im not convinced this will be and way of a new taste experience) and the Hoi-sin Duck, because of all the chinese flavours, hoi-sin is the only one that is guaranteed to ruin the taste of a nice duck, thus the crisps would be either nasty, or they would be a flavourless disappointment (neither of which options entice me).
1) Builders breakfast.
Hint of tomato, lots of bacon, absolutely no "buttered toast" despite what the packet tells us. The eggs dont come till after, which is not good. Eggy aftertastes are a culinary mistake. Basically this crisp tastes of bacon flavour crisps (been done already), tomato ketchup flavour (also done) and farts (original, but not desirable). not horrific, but not good either. A pointless excercise really.
2) Onion Bahji
This is the laziest of the flavours, because its a simple rehashing of pickled onion crisps put in a new packet. They probably had a stockpile of pickled onion flavouring they needed rid of before the rats got at it. Not a bad flavour of crisp, but not a new flavour, so it would be cheating to pick this as a winner.
3) Chilli & chocolate
Lets get this straight, this is chilli and cocoa, not chilli and chocolate. Its not sweet in any way. Basically its just a bitter chilli flavour, which is good, seeing as sweet chilli seems to dominate the crisp market these days (even skips have ventured into this territory). The crisp itself is good, and a potential winner, but i would be interested to taste a real sweet chocolate crisp. Maybe milkybar flavour. I was hoping this would be the crisp to make my tastebuds go wild, but its not. Still though, worth getting over any apprehensions for.
4) Fish & Chips
One of the nicer ones this one, but the vinegar is probably too strong. I was quite looking forward to the fish taste, but found it was sadly lacking. The crisp istelf tastes like a mild version of salt and vinegar, which i like, because i often find salt and vinegar crisps too strong. Im not sure i undertand the point of having "chips" flavour crisps. Surely the potatoe covers that anyway. Regardless these are a good crisp. Something of a cross between scampi fries and salt and vinegar. Worth a whirl.
So thats basically it. If i was to recommend any it would be chilli and chocolate or fish and chips. Go for it, but dont vote, coz none of them are that good, and text votes are a scam anyway.
Crunch crunch crunch,
x
But are these walkers crisps actually any good? Here's my rundown. Now admittedly i havent tried The Squirrell (because i know what Cajun flavouring tastes like, and the pack guarantees its not acutally made from squirrells, thus im not convinced this will be and way of a new taste experience) and the Hoi-sin Duck, because of all the chinese flavours, hoi-sin is the only one that is guaranteed to ruin the taste of a nice duck, thus the crisps would be either nasty, or they would be a flavourless disappointment (neither of which options entice me).
1) Builders breakfast.
Hint of tomato, lots of bacon, absolutely no "buttered toast" despite what the packet tells us. The eggs dont come till after, which is not good. Eggy aftertastes are a culinary mistake. Basically this crisp tastes of bacon flavour crisps (been done already), tomato ketchup flavour (also done) and farts (original, but not desirable). not horrific, but not good either. A pointless excercise really.
2) Onion Bahji
This is the laziest of the flavours, because its a simple rehashing of pickled onion crisps put in a new packet. They probably had a stockpile of pickled onion flavouring they needed rid of before the rats got at it. Not a bad flavour of crisp, but not a new flavour, so it would be cheating to pick this as a winner.
3) Chilli & chocolate
Lets get this straight, this is chilli and cocoa, not chilli and chocolate. Its not sweet in any way. Basically its just a bitter chilli flavour, which is good, seeing as sweet chilli seems to dominate the crisp market these days (even skips have ventured into this territory). The crisp itself is good, and a potential winner, but i would be interested to taste a real sweet chocolate crisp. Maybe milkybar flavour. I was hoping this would be the crisp to make my tastebuds go wild, but its not. Still though, worth getting over any apprehensions for.
4) Fish & Chips
One of the nicer ones this one, but the vinegar is probably too strong. I was quite looking forward to the fish taste, but found it was sadly lacking. The crisp istelf tastes like a mild version of salt and vinegar, which i like, because i often find salt and vinegar crisps too strong. Im not sure i undertand the point of having "chips" flavour crisps. Surely the potatoe covers that anyway. Regardless these are a good crisp. Something of a cross between scampi fries and salt and vinegar. Worth a whirl.
So thats basically it. If i was to recommend any it would be chilli and chocolate or fish and chips. Go for it, but dont vote, coz none of them are that good, and text votes are a scam anyway.
Crunch crunch crunch,
x
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Arsenal 3 Burnley 0
Arsenal were awesome today. Really awesome. Eduardo scored a goal so sublime i cant even properly talk about it yet. I have to explain to the missus that i'm leaving her and going to marry a a Croatian-Brizillian god!
Eduardo is God!
Also, Vela was awesome, football manager never lies!
Going to chill out now and eat a salad with a combination of yesterdays haute cuisine dinner: Mustard, lemon and chive marinated pork chops, balsamic beef and paprika chicken. Gonna be awesome. Gordon ramsay aint got nothing on me!
Eduardo is God!
Also, Vela was awesome, football manager never lies!
Going to chill out now and eat a salad with a combination of yesterdays haute cuisine dinner: Mustard, lemon and chive marinated pork chops, balsamic beef and paprika chicken. Gonna be awesome. Gordon ramsay aint got nothing on me!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Voyeurism
Tonight I've just watched Jade:The Next Chapter, An auto-pathology from Jade Goody (Off of big bruvver!). I've had the pleasure (and sometimes misfortune) of reading a number of illness narratives in the academic world, but this TV show is one of the most challenging, its a harrowing insight into the horrors of dealing with cancer juxtaposed with someone constantly and unashamedly self-promoting. While it is easy to hate Jade, especially when you consider her personality, which is truly horrible, but there is something weird about watching this. She is a mother preparing to leave her kids for ever, trying to provide for them, and those candid moments of weakness and pain are harrowing and heartbreaking. The problem i have is the clearly scripted interviews, which are like a desperate estate agent trying to seem really nice so you'll buy his last house before a volcano destroys the bloody village, such is the try hard attitude of Goody to force people to see her, notice her and on a tertiary level, like her.
Jade, it seems, will die as she's lived, invading the public's mind to her financial benifit and psychological detriment. I understand why she's doing this show. Money. Give her kids a nest egg when she's gone, which is tragic, but shame on the producers for pushing her into this, and shame on us for watching it, because the poor girl is dying and we're just gawping, when she really deserves some dignity.
Jade, it seems, will die as she's lived, invading the public's mind to her financial benifit and psychological detriment. I understand why she's doing this show. Money. Give her kids a nest egg when she's gone, which is tragic, but shame on the producers for pushing her into this, and shame on us for watching it, because the poor girl is dying and we're just gawping, when she really deserves some dignity.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Brenda Ann Spencer Should have aimed for Geldof
Tell me why i dont like mondays.....
One of the only things I dislike more than mondays is Bob Geldof and his stupid face, caring so much about the developing without ever taking a proper stand. Now dont get me wrong, its not that I think live aid was a bad thing, and i dont think bringing these issues up on every given occasion is a bad thing either, even if it is done only to take a bit of attention and column inches away from your spoiled brat daughter and her idiotic musings. The problem i have with Geldof is that he has never gone nearly far enough. Rock stars (using the term loosely here) are supposed to be rebels. They are supposed to do and say what they feel and bugger the consequences. The luxury of being a rock star is that when your making sense people will listen, and when you go mental, believing you own hype, people will say "wow, that crazy drugged up rockstar's really lost it", but it wont damage the cause you were making so much sense about, because your a rock star and its expected. For this reason i believe it is a rockstar's right and responsibility to not pull punches when it comes to issues of global necessity, like poverty.
In a position of popularity, a successful icon should constantly remind people of their social responsibilities. they are in the unique position of being able to directly lay blame for people dying of starvation, something a politician could never do. They can actually point a finger, and it wont harm them, it may even help them. Being respected sells records and record companies like that, so they'll promote the hell out of you and let you say anything you want, and if you swear alot, even better, because being edgy fucking rocks!
Now the reason I hate geldof is not because he doesn't do this, but because he thinks he has it down to a fine art. His smugness is so irritating that i want to spend eternity slicing my eyeballs with rusty razor blade just to not have to look at it. So here's my message for Bob, put in handty bullet point format so he can create his own checklist:
Im off to watch a team sponsored by Nike kick a football around a field and justify over £1million in wages for the week alone.
Yours, in hypocracy.
Eoghan
One of the only things I dislike more than mondays is Bob Geldof and his stupid face, caring so much about the developing without ever taking a proper stand. Now dont get me wrong, its not that I think live aid was a bad thing, and i dont think bringing these issues up on every given occasion is a bad thing either, even if it is done only to take a bit of attention and column inches away from your spoiled brat daughter and her idiotic musings. The problem i have with Geldof is that he has never gone nearly far enough. Rock stars (using the term loosely here) are supposed to be rebels. They are supposed to do and say what they feel and bugger the consequences. The luxury of being a rock star is that when your making sense people will listen, and when you go mental, believing you own hype, people will say "wow, that crazy drugged up rockstar's really lost it", but it wont damage the cause you were making so much sense about, because your a rock star and its expected. For this reason i believe it is a rockstar's right and responsibility to not pull punches when it comes to issues of global necessity, like poverty.
In a position of popularity, a successful icon should constantly remind people of their social responsibilities. they are in the unique position of being able to directly lay blame for people dying of starvation, something a politician could never do. They can actually point a finger, and it wont harm them, it may even help them. Being respected sells records and record companies like that, so they'll promote the hell out of you and let you say anything you want, and if you swear alot, even better, because being edgy fucking rocks!
Now the reason I hate geldof is not because he doesn't do this, but because he thinks he has it down to a fine art. His smugness is so irritating that i want to spend eternity slicing my eyeballs with rusty razor blade just to not have to look at it. So here's my message for Bob, put in handty bullet point format so he can create his own checklist:
- Straight talking is NOT saying fuck in front of Parkinson, or calling the queen Liz. Certain times when being invited to speak to business communities who are directly responsible for the economic exploitation that causes poverty in the developming world (Neo-liberal economics 101) is the perfect opportunity to give a bollocking to the sources of the problems, rather than putting on a tux and attempting to challenge the laws of physics by simultaneously crawling up the arseholes of a room full of people.
- Read a book on development. Spare change and political change go hand in hand. Money is needed for the emergency situation, and political action for the long term. Whats the point in rabbiting on about how world leaders must take responsibility when a large number of staving people wont be alive to see it.
- Comtrol your family. Lots of people no longer think "developing world activist" when they see Geldof, they think "Bad Parent". I know theres a bad family situation there, and i dont blame bob for that, but for the sake of humanity, shut that daughter of your up. If i was Gordon Brown i would refuse point blank to take any advice or even listen to someone who has done that bad a job in raising a human being. If I dont like mondays hadnt gone to number one and the geldof's had been poor then social services would have been on the case years ago. Peaches is the perfect candidate for involuntary euthanasia. A real embarrassment and her idiocy and lack of a braincell belittle any worthy cause a person associated with her may have.
- Punch Bono. So many people would thank you that they'd probably do anything you say, even donate their own flesh to starving children. Just once, hit him square in the nose, and if your feeling generous, tell him i said he was a c*nt.
- Donate a large wedge of your own money. Your worth millions. If you gave half away to a purely benevolent cause people would actually applaud. You'd still be way more loaded than the average person, but you would actually command respect. To clarify, i mean half of everything, not half of your earnings. If your worth £100million, donate £50 million. How many people would £50 million save?
Im off to watch a team sponsored by Nike kick a football around a field and justify over £1million in wages for the week alone.
Yours, in hypocracy.
Eoghan
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Pointless wednesday
I spent a whole day in work today doing loads but achieving nothing. Now doing nothing normally fits right into my idea of a perfect day, but today was different. Apart from having so much to do, there were loads of mistakes and errors i happened to stumble across, which led to me attempting to throw a computer out of the window out of sheer frustration. To make matters worse, there was nothing fun to do when i got home tonight.
Football wise, Ireland played georgia. They won 2-1. It was a terrible example of the downfall of international football. No wonder all the fair weather fans have pissed off to watch rugby now. The thing is, even at one down, i couldn't bring myself to give a shit. I love football, but for some reason there is nothing that excites me about this team. Before anyone gets uppity, this is not because the team is shite, far from it, remember i fell in love with Arsenal in the George graham era, so i love boring, utilitarian football. The thing about Ireland is not that they're boring, or untalented, but its the immense void between the men in green and those same men in the shirt of the club that pays their wages. It boils down to effort with international football. Robbie Keane tonight looked like he'd just sat on the toilet to find that the seat was wet, constantly with his legs bent, hunched over, jerking forward but never looking like moving forward further than was necessary, an aimless look of dispair on his face as if he'd just realised that it wasnt splashback from the last flush, but in fact a bit of dribble from his drunken flatmate's last attempt to have a piss. John O'Shea was worse. He looked like the FAI's latest attempt at care in the community. I know the lad is never going to be a world beater, but he's managed to convince man utd to keep him on, so he cant be that awful, unless of course he puts a green shirt on. If United change the colour of their away kit, he's screwed.
I think the real reason for this is that there's a hell of a lot less money riding on it. The champions league is far more important to a wide number of fans than the world cup, and for the players its probably not much different. The world cup is now only a career stage for cheap players, primarily for poorer footballing nations, where as the Champions league and is a massive shop window available on an annual basis. Why should the better players actually care, when there's nothing really in it for them. National pride is not really high on list, especially when only 45,000 people turn up to Croke Park, leaving an embarrassing amount of empty seats for a competitive fixture.
Its not different with other nations either. Critics always say that Lampard and Gerrard cant play together for england, but i'd argue that its more of a case of not being bothered to play well together. England are playing at the moment, and The only people who actually seem to be putting in effort are those non-regulars, who still probably have a point to prove. Even Shaun Wright-Phillips is playing safe balls back to the centre backs. Unheard of at 1-0 down in any club match.
The only shining light was Keith Andrews, who looked like he cared, and for his first competitive cap gave a good performance. The only problem with andrews is that he's just never going to be good enough. In the 2002 world cup we gave Spain a serious run for their money. We were very unlucky to lose out on penalties. But now can anyone honestly see the same happening. With no disrespect to andrews, can you imagine him chasing Fabregas, Iniesta and Xavi's shadows. He'd look like a stoned child in waterloo station. Poor lad.
Anyway, This really gets to me, but the wholly irrational and reactionary examples i've given above aren't the real reason i hate watching ireland. I could really cop out and say that just as you choose you friends, but not your family, you fall in love with your club, your stuck with your country. But no, the real reason is that because i live in ireland, there's no buzz about watching a game, unless of course its a big event like a world cup, but on the basis of tonights game that wont happen soon. In london there's a sense of immigrant solidarity about watching an ireland game. While ryanair has made the immigrant mentality less tribal, they cant take away that buzz of strangers coming together for a reason. You dont pick out the ireland fans in pub in Cork, coz they all are, but away from ireland you have a bond. Its special. You care about something and so does someone else. That bond is created for you, and created bonds are infinitely more special than pre-existing bonds, which arent even real bonds, just more like connections. Its supporting Ireland in Ireland is like going into the dole office. You cant go up to a random person there and say "hi! your in the same shit as me! lets be mates!" where as supporting ireland abroad is like meeting the guy your sharing the lottery jackpot with. I hate to labout the point, but:
GET ME O|UT OF IRELAND!!!!!
Football wise, Ireland played georgia. They won 2-1. It was a terrible example of the downfall of international football. No wonder all the fair weather fans have pissed off to watch rugby now. The thing is, even at one down, i couldn't bring myself to give a shit. I love football, but for some reason there is nothing that excites me about this team. Before anyone gets uppity, this is not because the team is shite, far from it, remember i fell in love with Arsenal in the George graham era, so i love boring, utilitarian football. The thing about Ireland is not that they're boring, or untalented, but its the immense void between the men in green and those same men in the shirt of the club that pays their wages. It boils down to effort with international football. Robbie Keane tonight looked like he'd just sat on the toilet to find that the seat was wet, constantly with his legs bent, hunched over, jerking forward but never looking like moving forward further than was necessary, an aimless look of dispair on his face as if he'd just realised that it wasnt splashback from the last flush, but in fact a bit of dribble from his drunken flatmate's last attempt to have a piss. John O'Shea was worse. He looked like the FAI's latest attempt at care in the community. I know the lad is never going to be a world beater, but he's managed to convince man utd to keep him on, so he cant be that awful, unless of course he puts a green shirt on. If United change the colour of their away kit, he's screwed.
I think the real reason for this is that there's a hell of a lot less money riding on it. The champions league is far more important to a wide number of fans than the world cup, and for the players its probably not much different. The world cup is now only a career stage for cheap players, primarily for poorer footballing nations, where as the Champions league and is a massive shop window available on an annual basis. Why should the better players actually care, when there's nothing really in it for them. National pride is not really high on list, especially when only 45,000 people turn up to Croke Park, leaving an embarrassing amount of empty seats for a competitive fixture.
Its not different with other nations either. Critics always say that Lampard and Gerrard cant play together for england, but i'd argue that its more of a case of not being bothered to play well together. England are playing at the moment, and The only people who actually seem to be putting in effort are those non-regulars, who still probably have a point to prove. Even Shaun Wright-Phillips is playing safe balls back to the centre backs. Unheard of at 1-0 down in any club match.
The only shining light was Keith Andrews, who looked like he cared, and for his first competitive cap gave a good performance. The only problem with andrews is that he's just never going to be good enough. In the 2002 world cup we gave Spain a serious run for their money. We were very unlucky to lose out on penalties. But now can anyone honestly see the same happening. With no disrespect to andrews, can you imagine him chasing Fabregas, Iniesta and Xavi's shadows. He'd look like a stoned child in waterloo station. Poor lad.
Anyway, This really gets to me, but the wholly irrational and reactionary examples i've given above aren't the real reason i hate watching ireland. I could really cop out and say that just as you choose you friends, but not your family, you fall in love with your club, your stuck with your country. But no, the real reason is that because i live in ireland, there's no buzz about watching a game, unless of course its a big event like a world cup, but on the basis of tonights game that wont happen soon. In london there's a sense of immigrant solidarity about watching an ireland game. While ryanair has made the immigrant mentality less tribal, they cant take away that buzz of strangers coming together for a reason. You dont pick out the ireland fans in pub in Cork, coz they all are, but away from ireland you have a bond. Its special. You care about something and so does someone else. That bond is created for you, and created bonds are infinitely more special than pre-existing bonds, which arent even real bonds, just more like connections. Its supporting Ireland in Ireland is like going into the dole office. You cant go up to a random person there and say "hi! your in the same shit as me! lets be mates!" where as supporting ireland abroad is like meeting the guy your sharing the lottery jackpot with. I hate to labout the point, but:
GET ME O|UT OF IRELAND!!!!!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Toinght on TV
I watched 3 things on telly tonight. I will tell you about them:
1) Burnley 2 Arsenal 0
Shit one really. We weren't even that bad for a bunch of kids, and fair play to Burnley for their cup run, but I still hate seeing us lose. The one tragic factor of this is, though, that some of the older bunch will get no competitive opportunity this season, and next year will be too late. I refer particularly to Jay Simpson, who I was very impressed with against Wigan. He turned 20 yesterday (Happy birthday Jay!) and i feel that he may be getting to old to have not yet made it through. I assume Wenger will be keen to showcase younger talent like Giles Sunu next year and, tragically for Jay, he may be the victim. He could really have done with another two games (semi-final) at least to give it his best shot. I wonder how many good players are stuck with difficult clubs and miss their opportunities. I just hope this isnt the case for young simpson. Come on you gunners!
2) Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe
This week there was a special edition featuring writers. It was very interesting, yet very disappointing. While it was good to hear the writers tips and pearls of wisdom, it was a shame that the audience werent given what they expected, which is the fantastic Mr. Brooker laying into various arseholes on telly, while being quite insightful and informative at the same time. I like the balance Charlie normally find between insightful information and calling people c*nts. Where would the world be if i had no one to tell me who was an arse. Return to form next week please Charlie!
3) David Walliams starring as Frakie Howard in some kind of biopic.
I only lasted through half of this, which is a shame because i thought it would be good, but i'm nearly 100% sure that frankie howard spent his life doing things other than stumbling around stage and getting wanked off by Timothy Spall's son, although you wouldnt know it from this crap. Maybe it got better, quite frankly i don't care. Walliams should realise that he's only two more gay stereotype characters away from no longer being respected and seen simply as an extra for Querr eye for the straight guy. Also his face annoy's me. althoug not as much as the guy with the weird nose from League of Gentleman, who is undoubtably satan himself. Walliams should stick to being Matt Lucas's side kick (if they could ever write origingal new mateiral- lads, ripping your own stuff off is not even intellignat copywrite theft. Also Rafe Spall should go back to character from Shaun of the Dead. Being an obnoxious prick turned braindead zombie id a perfect role, although anyone popping up in Green street is probably beyond saving.
So in conclusion, Doctor Who was not on, thus telly was a load of balls! Laterz x
1) Burnley 2 Arsenal 0
Shit one really. We weren't even that bad for a bunch of kids, and fair play to Burnley for their cup run, but I still hate seeing us lose. The one tragic factor of this is, though, that some of the older bunch will get no competitive opportunity this season, and next year will be too late. I refer particularly to Jay Simpson, who I was very impressed with against Wigan. He turned 20 yesterday (Happy birthday Jay!) and i feel that he may be getting to old to have not yet made it through. I assume Wenger will be keen to showcase younger talent like Giles Sunu next year and, tragically for Jay, he may be the victim. He could really have done with another two games (semi-final) at least to give it his best shot. I wonder how many good players are stuck with difficult clubs and miss their opportunities. I just hope this isnt the case for young simpson. Come on you gunners!
2) Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe
This week there was a special edition featuring writers. It was very interesting, yet very disappointing. While it was good to hear the writers tips and pearls of wisdom, it was a shame that the audience werent given what they expected, which is the fantastic Mr. Brooker laying into various arseholes on telly, while being quite insightful and informative at the same time. I like the balance Charlie normally find between insightful information and calling people c*nts. Where would the world be if i had no one to tell me who was an arse. Return to form next week please Charlie!
3) David Walliams starring as Frakie Howard in some kind of biopic.
I only lasted through half of this, which is a shame because i thought it would be good, but i'm nearly 100% sure that frankie howard spent his life doing things other than stumbling around stage and getting wanked off by Timothy Spall's son, although you wouldnt know it from this crap. Maybe it got better, quite frankly i don't care. Walliams should realise that he's only two more gay stereotype characters away from no longer being respected and seen simply as an extra for Querr eye for the straight guy. Also his face annoy's me. althoug not as much as the guy with the weird nose from League of Gentleman, who is undoubtably satan himself. Walliams should stick to being Matt Lucas's side kick (if they could ever write origingal new mateiral- lads, ripping your own stuff off is not even intellignat copywrite theft. Also Rafe Spall should go back to character from Shaun of the Dead. Being an obnoxious prick turned braindead zombie id a perfect role, although anyone popping up in Green street is probably beyond saving.
So in conclusion, Doctor Who was not on, thus telly was a load of balls! Laterz x
Arsenal. Back?
Chelsea 1 Arsenal 2
Its now tuesday and i can finally believe it has happened. I never thought we would do it. We couldn't do it. There is one reason why we shouldnt have done it: Life is normally shit.
Its just a shame such unbridled joy was spent in a mates house in cork and not actually partying in london and at the risk of sounding like a broken recort.....GET ME OUT OF IRELAND!!!!!!!!
I was very impressed with the performance on Sunday. I thought van Persie took his goals very well. I thought Djourou bounced back with a solid performance that makes the potential return of his swiss counterpart from Milan an even more challenging prospect. Clichy was superb, as he always is (bar a few errors), once again proving that the best thing a defender can do is attack well. Sometime it really is apparent that Ashley Cole was never missed! Song was solid, rapidly growing into an arsenal player. Eboue was injured, which was fantastic!
Negative points? Some. We lacked a mean streak. We could have had more, really twisted the knife. Bendtner could have really killed them. IT was almost like the team were pre-empting newspaper reports saying that the result flattered them if they'd have gotten any more goals.
Looking forward, i'd love us to keep winning, obviously, but we must ensure that we dont put too much into these games and let our form against the Fulhams and Stokes of this world suffer. Remember Wenger needs to keep onto a job long enough for Big Tone to learn his art at Pompey and then come to us when ready.
Yours, from an idealistic world,
Eoghan
P.s. Lets all laugh at Chelsea.
P.P.s. Nice one west ham, for nicking a draw with liverpool! Get in!
Its now tuesday and i can finally believe it has happened. I never thought we would do it. We couldn't do it. There is one reason why we shouldnt have done it: Life is normally shit.
Its just a shame such unbridled joy was spent in a mates house in cork and not actually partying in london and at the risk of sounding like a broken recort.....GET ME OUT OF IRELAND!!!!!!!!
I was very impressed with the performance on Sunday. I thought van Persie took his goals very well. I thought Djourou bounced back with a solid performance that makes the potential return of his swiss counterpart from Milan an even more challenging prospect. Clichy was superb, as he always is (bar a few errors), once again proving that the best thing a defender can do is attack well. Sometime it really is apparent that Ashley Cole was never missed! Song was solid, rapidly growing into an arsenal player. Eboue was injured, which was fantastic!
Negative points? Some. We lacked a mean streak. We could have had more, really twisted the knife. Bendtner could have really killed them. IT was almost like the team were pre-empting newspaper reports saying that the result flattered them if they'd have gotten any more goals.
Looking forward, i'd love us to keep winning, obviously, but we must ensure that we dont put too much into these games and let our form against the Fulhams and Stokes of this world suffer. Remember Wenger needs to keep onto a job long enough for Big Tone to learn his art at Pompey and then come to us when ready.
Yours, from an idealistic world,
Eoghan
P.s. Lets all laugh at Chelsea.
P.P.s. Nice one west ham, for nicking a draw with liverpool! Get in!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Champions League
Arsenal 1 Dynamo Kiev 0
Im happy with that, we're throught to the last sixteen. Problem is, though, that theres not many gooners to celebrate with here. One of my mates is a die hard, but the rest of them are disinfected liverpool fans, most of whom have trouble remembering Bergkamp and Petit, let alone Parry Groves and Vladimir Petrovic. I really do wish i was in london. Still though, i'd probably be still sitting in a cramped tube on my long way home now. At least there would be craic then though!
Come on the Gunners!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im happy with that, we're throught to the last sixteen. Problem is, though, that theres not many gooners to celebrate with here. One of my mates is a die hard, but the rest of them are disinfected liverpool fans, most of whom have trouble remembering Bergkamp and Petit, let alone Parry Groves and Vladimir Petrovic. I really do wish i was in london. Still though, i'd probably be still sitting in a cramped tube on my long way home now. At least there would be craic then though!
Come on the Gunners!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The Price of Misinformation
Information is one of the most valuable tools of our society. It must be agreed that television is the greatest media tool in terms of both comfort and ease of access. I realise the Irony of conveying this message through an alternate medium, however the point must be made. In Ireland we have a state broadcaster- RTE. RTE provide a government funded state broadcasting network. Great! And we pay a tax for such a service. Fair enough. But there’s two problems:
1. They commercially advertise.
They force product onto to you, the consumer, to make money to fund their programmes. Now a lot of TV companies will do that, but we don’t pay Bravo, ITV, Virgin 1, TV3 and UK living €160 for the privilege. RTE get a personal donation from each household and business in the country, yet still whore themselves out to the likes of Harry Corry, Nike and Cilit Bang. Is our money not enough. How much does it take to run a tv station? Especially one who’s original programming looks like it was made on a nokia 5310 with a cast of presenters and actors who were (mis)fortunate enough to be in the dole office that day, Which brings me to my second point.
2. RTE is unashamedly Crap.
I mean really, really crap. With all the production value of a transition year project and the talent roster of a Heroin addiction support group it is a wonder the RTE brass don’t pay us to watch this nonsense. After all, state broadcasters have to follow their mandate to reflect the “climate of the Republic”. Even the news, the only thing it is very difficult to make a balls of, smacks of amateurism genetically spliced with Fianna Fail Cronyism, the catalyst for which being Anne Doyle’s Peroxide. If I’d know all I had to do was hang around in Donny and Nesbitt’s for a few weeks and I’d be offered a job as head of Current affairs, or chief Cable operator on Fair City then I’d have never bothered with the painstaking years of college being forced to go without Sky and having to spend my days with RTE’s pathetic (CHEAP) imports of terrible shows like Dr. Phil, Shortland Street and re-re-re-re-repeats of Murder She wrote (although it was great the first 3 times).
I don’t watch RTE. Ever. Not even sport. Why would I pay to see alcoholics make fools of themselves. I can get the drunk around the corner to dance for two cigarettes and a can of Lynden village. But I still have to pay a licence. It kills me. Id rather go through childbirth, while having Marty Whelan’s face tattooed on my scrotum, Drinking domestos and trying to have semi-consensual sex with a porcupine. Bloody RTE. Bloody TV licences.
1. They commercially advertise.
They force product onto to you, the consumer, to make money to fund their programmes. Now a lot of TV companies will do that, but we don’t pay Bravo, ITV, Virgin 1, TV3 and UK living €160 for the privilege. RTE get a personal donation from each household and business in the country, yet still whore themselves out to the likes of Harry Corry, Nike and Cilit Bang. Is our money not enough. How much does it take to run a tv station? Especially one who’s original programming looks like it was made on a nokia 5310 with a cast of presenters and actors who were (mis)fortunate enough to be in the dole office that day, Which brings me to my second point.
2. RTE is unashamedly Crap.
I mean really, really crap. With all the production value of a transition year project and the talent roster of a Heroin addiction support group it is a wonder the RTE brass don’t pay us to watch this nonsense. After all, state broadcasters have to follow their mandate to reflect the “climate of the Republic”. Even the news, the only thing it is very difficult to make a balls of, smacks of amateurism genetically spliced with Fianna Fail Cronyism, the catalyst for which being Anne Doyle’s Peroxide. If I’d know all I had to do was hang around in Donny and Nesbitt’s for a few weeks and I’d be offered a job as head of Current affairs, or chief Cable operator on Fair City then I’d have never bothered with the painstaking years of college being forced to go without Sky and having to spend my days with RTE’s pathetic (CHEAP) imports of terrible shows like Dr. Phil, Shortland Street and re-re-re-re-repeats of Murder She wrote (although it was great the first 3 times).
I don’t watch RTE. Ever. Not even sport. Why would I pay to see alcoholics make fools of themselves. I can get the drunk around the corner to dance for two cigarettes and a can of Lynden village. But I still have to pay a licence. It kills me. Id rather go through childbirth, while having Marty Whelan’s face tattooed on my scrotum, Drinking domestos and trying to have semi-consensual sex with a porcupine. Bloody RTE. Bloody TV licences.
I hate living in Ireland
Ireland is a lovely place, full of friendly locals, cozy pubs and beautiful scenery. This is quite simply nonsense. While some parts of the country look nice, none of those parts have things like Jobs or amenities. I live in cork, which, i'm told, is really fun for a weekend. Im not here for a weekend. Im bloody stuck here.
Let me explain. Im not stuck here for long. My girlfriend is doing her masters, so when thats over we are free to leave. Im adamant that we have to go to london, and i think she agrees, but for now we have to grin and bear it in this hell hole.
Its not the fact that its dull, or rainy, or even that a pint cost close to a fiver. Its the general attitude to life that kills me. Every weekend people go to the same terrible clubs to piss their money away and then on monday morning come in and complain that it didnt live up to their expectations:
"went to fast eddies, but it was shit"
"really? Don't you go there every week though?"
"normally, and its normally a good laugh?"
"Really? You have said it was shit the last five weeks in a row"
"ah but thats just coz greg and shane are gone"
"ok so nothing to do with the fact that you're so institutionalised into small town ireland that you live for a crap club at the weekend but your so bored of seeing the same people who you dont really get on with since you were in school that you hate doing it, but shift blame onto the variety of reasons that your pathetic drinking hall will provide and refuse to accept that your life has not gone how it should and you feel a bit lost? you tool."
Water cooler chat, eh?
The attitude here makes me sick. Yesterday someone who i hadnt seen in a number of years asked me how things were going. We chatted about what we'd been up to since school etc..
She asked me had i done a year in australia. As if its a mandatory rite of passage, like holy communion, or discovering how to masturbate. "No" I said, "I couldnt imagine anything worse, like Ireland with a hot climate" It seemed like i'd strummed a chord constantly heard, but never defined. The look in her face was as if i'd just discovered how to turn lead into gold. She was amazed. She told me that was exactly how it was, and i was so right for not bothering with that sojourn, i smiled pretending that it meant something. I assume she'll be using my line at parties and social gatherings for years to come.
The sad thing was, that was probably the closest i came to accomplishing anything over the whole weekend. Cork is so empty. I didnt spend my time in a club getting wankered on saturday, recovering on sunday, which i suppose is an accomplishment in itself, but i really had little chance to do anything else. When i go to work on monday morning, people will ask me what i did and i'll say "piss all", to which they'll reply: "why not? are you saving money to go to Australia or something?"
I hate being in cork. Help me. It'll be the same crap every week.
Let me explain. Im not stuck here for long. My girlfriend is doing her masters, so when thats over we are free to leave. Im adamant that we have to go to london, and i think she agrees, but for now we have to grin and bear it in this hell hole.
Its not the fact that its dull, or rainy, or even that a pint cost close to a fiver. Its the general attitude to life that kills me. Every weekend people go to the same terrible clubs to piss their money away and then on monday morning come in and complain that it didnt live up to their expectations:
"went to fast eddies, but it was shit"
"really? Don't you go there every week though?"
"normally, and its normally a good laugh?"
"Really? You have said it was shit the last five weeks in a row"
"ah but thats just coz greg and shane are gone"
"ok so nothing to do with the fact that you're so institutionalised into small town ireland that you live for a crap club at the weekend but your so bored of seeing the same people who you dont really get on with since you were in school that you hate doing it, but shift blame onto the variety of reasons that your pathetic drinking hall will provide and refuse to accept that your life has not gone how it should and you feel a bit lost? you tool."
Water cooler chat, eh?
The attitude here makes me sick. Yesterday someone who i hadnt seen in a number of years asked me how things were going. We chatted about what we'd been up to since school etc..
She asked me had i done a year in australia. As if its a mandatory rite of passage, like holy communion, or discovering how to masturbate. "No" I said, "I couldnt imagine anything worse, like Ireland with a hot climate" It seemed like i'd strummed a chord constantly heard, but never defined. The look in her face was as if i'd just discovered how to turn lead into gold. She was amazed. She told me that was exactly how it was, and i was so right for not bothering with that sojourn, i smiled pretending that it meant something. I assume she'll be using my line at parties and social gatherings for years to come.
The sad thing was, that was probably the closest i came to accomplishing anything over the whole weekend. Cork is so empty. I didnt spend my time in a club getting wankered on saturday, recovering on sunday, which i suppose is an accomplishment in itself, but i really had little chance to do anything else. When i go to work on monday morning, people will ask me what i did and i'll say "piss all", to which they'll reply: "why not? are you saving money to go to Australia or something?"
I hate being in cork. Help me. It'll be the same crap every week.
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