Beards are awesome!

Beards are awesome. Seriously. I’ve got one and I’ve never had so much fun in my life. It started when I was twenty, when I was travelling with work and went through a bit of a cash flow (maybe homeless would be a more appropriate term) problem, so I lived off a bare minimum and luxuries like razors were deemed surplus to requirements. It began with stubble of necessity, and developed into a beard of wonder. It was so cool. I smoked roll-ups at the time and I got the stage where my beard was off such a stage where I could hide five fags in it. Needless to say nobody ever accepted my offer of a cigarette in that period. I was saving mega bucks because of my beard!
Nowadays I still have the beard, only more trimmed since I’ve had to enter a world that doesn’t allow me to go barefoot on a day to day basis, but the effect of a bead is still awesome. Not only does it allow me to stand out from a crowd, but it also gives me a vital source of static electricity should I ever come across an appropriately placed balloon. I currently work in the (lower, shitty-wage, end of) the sustainable energy business and my face is one of the biggest renewable technologies known to man. I should get a government research and development grant.
Beards are also a fantastic tool for sex also. Apart from the fact they make people look totally badass, they also give beard rash to girls. Every man wants to leave his mark on a girl, and with a beard, the lucky lady will know she’s had the benefit of good beard-love.
Furthermore, beards make you safer when risking those journeys out in public. I learned this from my father. Beards make you look more mature, more sensible and evidently harder. No one wants to mess with the guy with the beard, coz he just don’t care, he’ll come at ya like a grizzly bear, yeah! Which is handy when you’re a peace loving chap like myself.
The ability to grow a proper beard is one of the manliest things known to man. Along with taking a very large book to the toilet to announce to the world that your going to drop a monster log, and having the ability to slouch on a chair and balance a full can of beer on your belly. Yes beards are a badge of honour, and only those who have ever had the bushy face feeling will ever truly know. So lets honour famous beard wearers! Karl Marx, Michel Foucault, Santa Claus, Bill Oddie, Jeremy Beadle, Noel Edmonds, ZZ top and even wannabes like Craig David and Justin Timberlake and all those little boys who at one stage aspire to be like me and my comrades! Reach for the furry faced dream. Show your masculinity in a way that only facial hair can! Wait… what’s that you ask? Moustaches? Sorry, the club is full.