Masculinity

Masculinity is fantastic, it is the ultimate opiate of the masses, well the male masses anyway. It is an excuse to get away with everything you enjoy which is normally considered disgusting or anti-social. It provides us with a new way of glorifying ourselves once we have lost our ability or desire to attract young women. This can happen for one of two reasons, firstly we grow up and find relationships with wonderful women who complete our souls -like I have and secondly we develop beer bellies- like I have.
It is important to celebrate masculinity, not in a counter acting of feminism sort of way, but in a kind of keep yourself content and find life’s simple pleasures way. For this reason I have compiled a guide to being masculine. This is not a guide to being a man, for I’m sure women can enjoy their masculine side too and I actively encourage them to try. So here goes, follow these six rules and you will find simple pleasures in the most mundane aspects of life, coz that’s wot men do, that is.

1) Admire your work
It doesn’t matter what the work is. It could be building a wall, chopping wood, putting up a tent, or even girly stuff like cooking dinner or applying make up, but it is instantly transformed into a burly, manly, grunty spectacle if you stand over it, preferably with mates, drinking a beer and nodding triumphantly making occasional inaudible sounds. This works even, and sometimes more, if you’ve done a total half arsed job and are still prouder than Noel Edmonds mum when Deal or no Deal hit it big.

2) Barbecuing in the Rain
Have you ever seen Gordon Ramsay do this? Standing in the garden in the pissing rain trying to keep the fire going so you can enjoy two burnt sausages and a lamb chop while trying not to kill yourself by inhaling the smoke that’s trapped under your manly Golf Umbrella? No? Of course you haven’t. Coz he’s a poof. Real men don’t give a toss if they get wet as long as they provide sustenance, albeit in charred form, to their family and friends in the true hunter gatherer tradition. Bonus points for managing to turn the chops while holding a beer in one hand and an umbrella in the other.

3) Announcing Your bowel movements
This practice, perfected by Ricky Tomlinson’s portrayal of Jim Royle, is not only manly, but immense fun. It ranges from the subtle act of tucking a newspaper under your arm, moves on the comedy analogies of “Having a chat with an Arab- Mustafa crap”, “Dropping the kids off at the pool” and “having an Ertha Kitt”, and finishing with the afterthought method of “oooh, I’d leave it a while lads/love/nan (delete as appropriate)”
Being proud of the huge and superior dumps your body can produce is what separates men from boys. Men like to create things, to make things happen, and defecating is one that a man makes all by himself.
Variations of this include talking about needing to use the facilities: Touching Cloth, Turtles head poking out or Baking some recycled meat loaf are all acceptable, but off the cuff imagination wins here.
And remember, farting is like foreplay, so don’t neglect it!
4) Dancing Badly
This is one of those things that don’t appear manly until you analyse them heavily. Dancing is not manly. Fact. Dancing has been referred to a vertical prelude to a horizontal act, and that’s not very masculine, foreplay is totally gay. But dancing is a skill, and those serious about their skills are insistent that they do it well. Doing something badly is the polar opposite of the point. Dancing badly is anti-dancing. Its like making a satanic sacrifice in a church, a child minder who has a penchant for losing children or a Samaritans counsellor telling people that life is shit and they should end it all.
Not only is the act masculine, but it is a slap in the face for all that is not masculine. Furthermore it is comical and real men rely on charm and humour rather than face cream and €75 Haircuts. It is also a far more manly act than not dancing, because no one likes a stick in the mud who refuses to have fun. Real men grab the bull by the horns and have a go at anything with a complete disregard for actually being able to do it. That level of confidence is manly. It helps that you put on a pseudo-sex face that implies that you are mates with Hugh Hefner but you call him “virgin face” as a friendly nickname. See the beauty of this comes from making yourself look serious, which adds to the effect. Be the life and soul of the party.
Men are proud, so get up and dance, but for god’s sake, don’t dream of doing it well, you’ll never score that way.

5) Not reading the instructions
This applies to everything from flat pack furniture to getting directions, which includes sat nav, in fact ignoring sat nav is paramount to cementing your position in the annals of masculinity. The only thing sat nav should ever be used for is setting false coordinates and making the voice on it say hilarious things like “Go up cock lane (Broxbourne, Herts.)” and “go down Bum alley (these’s bound to be one somewhere)” and then driving to your mates house to show them.
When comes to cooking you may never follow instruction, an why would you need to, because all you have to do with anything edible is put it on the barbecue, wait until a reasonable shade of black and then savagely consume with disregard for health and safety washed down with a beer or three.
When it comes to furniture you must only use the instructions for stopping beer spillages. The furniture itself must be hammered and mashed together in something that resembles the picture on the box. Modifications can be made, coz what do Ikea know anyway. But the most importantly, don’t do things perfectly. Ever. Here’s the secret, but don’t tell your missus. If you do things well, she will make you do it more often, and when it comes to furniture you’ll never stop. Not only is it time consuming, but its also expensive. Which means less time and money for the vital things in life: Beer and Playstation.

6) Knowing stuff, even if you don’t
Three words synonymous with MDD (masculine deficiency disease) are “I don’t know”. Men never don’t know and always have to take a confident stab at the answer, even if its ridiculous. I’m so confident in my non-knowledge that I’ve even made up a disease to suit my ranting. In fact ask me anything right now. In you head. I bet I’ll know it. Go on. Got it? Ok right. That is a juxtaposition of two previously independent elements bridging new gaps and breaking previous constraints the original subject had. See, I told you I knew.
Ron Burgundy highlighted this level of masculinity when informed the girl from married with children that san diego meant “whales vagina”. Which, if any body asks me, it does.
Someone once asked me what the thermal bridging factor of a cavity wall was. So I told them. Confidently. I have no idea what it actually is, but the strength of my conviction was enough for that chap. He’ll probably forget pretty soon, but the next time he’s asked he will confidently make up and answer. He might say “cavity wall? Easy, that’s 2.3”, he might say “Cavity wall? Easy, that’s the Franco-Prussian war” either way he’ll be hugely satisfied with his ability to completely make shit up and appear knowledgeable.
False knowledge can even be used to reinforce extra masculinity. I often pretend to know about stuff like hunting, guns, chopping down trees, reversing trucks around a corner and deep sea fishing. None of which I’ve ever done. But if you ask me, I’m happy to help.